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I remember vivid moments in my life through the lens of art, like the time I found myself crouched on my bedroom floor, scraping red slashes onto a piece of paper.

It was 2015 and I was back in the home I grew up in, a place I returned to reluctantly, fleeing the toll that London and the makeup industry had taken on my health.

I was experiencing a breakdown, denying for years that my ill health was connected to the relentless self-judgment and dissatisfaction with my appearance. I spent hours at the gym, constantly bashed my appearance & followed stringent diets/ cleanses, all the while refusing to acknowledge the damage they were inflicting on my mind and body.

I blamed myself, not the industry I worked in, for allowing my insecurities to be exacerbated. Back at home, at age 32, single, struggling with health issues, I felt like a failure—a joke. I was in such a desperate state that I found myself thinking, "Why doesn’t life just fuck off or fuck me harder…because I really don’t fucking care at this point, it can't get much fucking worse."

All of my emotions and frustrations flowed out of me and into my art, like they always do. I remember my mother's concerned expression when she interrupted my intense painting session to offer lunch, only to be a little disgusted by the explicit words I had painted: "F*&K ME HARDER." She looked at me bewildered, then quickly left the room, leaving me alone.

This piece symbolizes a significant chapter of transformation in my life. Though it seemed like doom and gloom at the time, it was the beginning of change and renewal. Stepping away from the chaos of London forced me to evaluate my life and actions. Slowly, I began to confront my inner demons—some needing love, some forgiveness, some acceptance.

Today, I look at this piece with a sense of empowerment.

It exudes strength, determination, and a fierce fighting spirit. It reminds me that no matter how tough life gets, it can shift and change. The darkest chapters are catalysts for growth and transformation, whether we're ready for them or not. They force us to confront ourselves, a painful but necessary process.

At 32, I couldn’t have imagined that within two years, I would be pursuing my dreams or align with a love who would become my husband and father of my children. When you're in the midst of hardship, it's easy to feel weighed down by life's burdens. However, I've learned that it's often our own beliefs and ideas that poison our daily existence.

Work, busyness, distractions—all delay the introspection needed for true growth. It's only when we're mentally and physically drained that we pause to ask ourselves: "What the FUCK happening to me? What am I doing wrong? what needs to Change?"

Asking yourself those questions will kickstart something profound.

Breakdowns, as terrible as they seem, are not here to destroy us but to guide us towards necessary change. I want this piece to be a symbol of support for others. We all experience life's highs and lows; we're all called to evolve and grow, whether we like it or not. In the end, the painful times serve a purpose—we just need to listen, adapt and be patient.

I didn't like letting this Original go.. so I decided to immortalise her...

That's right, 'F%*k Me Harder' is now available in a super high quality Giclee print.

You also have three sizes to choose from, so no matter what space you wish to fill, i've got you covered.

To view FUCK ME HARER and all available Limited Edition Prints, hit the VIEW PRINTS button below...

Lots of love and speak soon!

Beth x


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