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When I was pregnant, STILLBIRTH was my biggest fear. Maybe it’s because it happened to my mother when she first became pregnant with twins. She went into Labour 2 months before the official due date. She was in Malta at the time and this was the late 70’s so facilities there were poor. The babies needed to be incubated and the hospital had non. In desperation my father tried to get incubators from London flown over, but it was too late and the twins died.

I’ve always known about the twins, my mother has always talked to me and my sisters about them from a young age.

I have two boys. Ocean is three and Wolfie 6 months. I was lucky. I had pretty seamless pregnancies.. tricky births, but healthy born boys.

Recently, my best friends sister lost her little girl at 38 weeks. Wolfie was born at 38 weeks. I felt so heavy for a few days after hearing it, because I can’t begin to imagine the heartache and deep emotional pain that must cause.

Pregnancy is HARD and 9 months is a long time, especially when you are growing a human. With each week that passes you feel like you’ve earned a win, like you’ve accomplished something pretty great. With each trimester, that sense of achievement grows (along with your belly) and you feel that bit closer to the end game. The flutters turn to kicks, and the sense of strength and life holds you in a sense of daily awe.

Both my boys didn’t like getting hiccups in the womb, i could tell it irritated the hell out of them. As babies on the outside this sense I had was spot on.

During pregnancy whether you pay much attention or not, you get to know your baby. You feel them. You are connected and you start nurturing them.

Stillbirth is a word that feels uncomfortable to hear. It always has felt like that for me, it’s truly is one of the worst things that can happen in pregnancy… and it happens. In the UK alone 1/250 births result in still birth, in 2021 there were 2,567 still births. Each get around 21,000 babies are stillborn on the US.

To all the mothers that live with this loss, this piece is for you, a reminder that they will never leave you, they are and will always be a part of you that was lost. Taken so suddenly, without warning, without consent.

To all the family's who surround the mother who lost a child, this piece is also for you, because this grief and heartbreak extends beyond the mother, it ripples and affects everyone who is close to her.

And to you little one, this piece is for you because you are worthy of all the attention, love, acknowledgment and awareness we shine on you and your silent journey into this world.

We will always remember you, your little heartbeat, your tiny hands, your sweet little hiccups.

We felt you and loved you. Part of our family you will always be, and you will never leave us.

B xx


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